As I was poking around on Facebook today I came across this great article (Link) that was titled "Here's The Best Advice From A Single Guy Who Spent A Year Interviewing Couples"

Check it out:

Nate Bagley says he was sick of hearing love stories that fell into one of two categories — scandal and divorce, and unrealistic fairytale.

So he started a Kickstarter and used his life savings to tour the country and interview couples in happy, long-term relationships.

He then took to Reddit’s /r/IAmA to share what he learned (just in time for Valentine’s Day), and to post podcasts of the couples’ journeys and advice.

“I’ve interviewed gay couples, straight couples, rich couples, poor couples, religious couples, atheist couples, couples who have been together for a short time, and couples who have been together for over 70 years,” he said in his Ask Me Anything. “I’ve even interviewed couples in arranged marriages and polygamous couples.”

He now hopes to make a documentary from the interviews, and has many of them already uploaded on his website, The Loveumentary. This is some of the best advice that he shared with Reddit:

On the key things that make a relationship successful: “This was actually one of the most surprising things I learned on the journey.

Self Love: The happiest couples always consisted of two (sometimes more) emotionally healthy and independently happy individuals. These people practiced self-love. They treated themselves with the same type of care that they treated their partner… or at least they tried to.

Emotionally healthy people know how to forgive, they are able to acknowledge their part in any disagreement or conflict and take responsibility for it. They are self-aware enough to be assertive, to pull their weight, and to give love when it’s most difficult.

Commitment: After that emotional health came an unquestioning level of commitment. The happiest couples knew that if shit got real, their significant other wasn’t going to walk out on them. They knew that even if things got hard – no, especially if things got hard — they were better off together. The sum of the parts is greater than the whole.

Trust: Happy couples trust each other… and they have earned each others’ trust. They don’t worry about the other person trying to undermine them or sabotage them, because they’ve proven over and over again that they are each other’s biggest advocate. That trust is built through actions, not words. It’s day after day after day of fidelity, service, emotional security, reliability.

Establish that foundation, and you’re in good shape.

Intentionality: This is the icing on the cake. There’s a difference between the couple who drives through the rainstorm and the couple who pulls their car to the side of the road to make out in the rain. (Yes, that’s a true story.) There’s a difference between the couple who kisses for 10 seconds or longer when they say goodbye to each other rather than just giving each other a peck… or nothing at all. There’s a difference between the couples who encourage each other to pursue their personal goals at the expense of their own discomfort or inconvenience… even if it means their partner has to stage kiss another woman.

The couples who try on a daily basis to experience some sort of meaningful connection, or create a fun memory are the couples who shattered my perception of what was possible in a loving relationship.”

On the best advice he was given: “One woman in Georgia gave some pretty amazing advice. She and and her husband have been married for over 60 years, and after being asked what her best relationship advice would be, she paused and said…

‘Don’t be afraid to be the one who loves the most.’”

On the best way to solve disagreements: “Resolving disagreements was one of the topics that came up the most.

Here’s what I learned:

Don’t Fight To Win: A huge number of couples talked about how they didn’t fight against each other. I mean, if you’re in love, you should be playing for the same team. Your goal should be to resolve the issue, not to emerge victorious over the love of your life… and let’s be honest, you just feel guilty when you win anyway.

Seek to Understand: If you’re having a hard time playing on the same team, stop fighting and instead try to understand why your partner is upset. Typically what’s being talked about isn’t the real issue. People are inherently bad at being vulnerable, especially in threatening situations. Be willing to ask sincere questions. Let the answers sink in. If she is complaining that you’re spending too much time at work, maybe the real issue is that she misses you, and wants to feel connected with you. Rather than arguing about how you’re providing for the family, and she needs to respect how hard you work, try to listen to what she’s really saying. Then hold her. Come home early one day, and surprise her with a date, or some special one-on-one time. Reassure her that she, and your relationship, are a priority for you. If you don’t want that same issue to arise again, keep investing in the solution.

Just Be Nice To Each Other Seriously. Don’t be a jerk. Don’t call names. Don’t take jabs. Don’t try to hurt the other person. Argue naked if it helps… but just be kind and civil ad respectful. It will prevent so many bad things from happening.”

And his favourite quote from all the interviews: “At the end of Ty’s life, I want him to be able to say, ‘Terri was the greatest earthly blessing in my life — the best thing that ever happened to me — and that I’m a better man because of how she loved me.’ And that’s the goal that I live with every day. That’s how I want to love this man.”

What’s it like on the other side of 20 you ask?  Well, there are several days when I think God got it all wrong because getting old sucks!  Aches, pains…work!  But there are many days when I think I wouldn’t trade the other side of 20 for anything!  This year I will celebrate my twenty-fourth 20th birthday and as I watch my friends send their kids off to college, attend college graduations, welcome grandchildren and everything else I realize that almost 44 is a great place to be.

I had a dream of owning a business before the age of 40, and I did that!  It wasn’t as successful as I wanted it to be and I subsequently closed it less than 2 years after buying it, but I would do it all over again given the opportunity.  I’ve walked a full marathon and 2 half marathons…and they were in amazing places!  I’ve been blessed to be raised by amazing parents (all 4 of them) and amazing grandparents.  This year I lost my 91 year old grandmother to cancer.  It was a rough start to 2014 – my parents and I drove from Georgia to Connecticut twice in the wintery month of January and were able to spend some amazing last days with her.  The first week we were there she had rallied and was more like the grandmother I remembered spending so much time with growing up.  The second trip up we witnessed her very last words when she yelled as loud as she could muster “I love you” and that was the last we heard from her, and technically the last time I ever saw “my grandmother” – the woman I had known for 43 years.  The next morning she was a shell of who I knew and by the following morning at 4:30 am we were receiving a call that she had been called home to Heaven.

I tell you all this because I want to say that looking back over my life, I thought I was invincible in my 20s.  I would have never survived the opening and closing of my business and loss of my grandmother at that age despite the fact that back then I thought I could do anything and everything and nothing would keep me down.   The plus side, however, is while in your 20s when things come your way you truly think you can do anything and you do make it work most of the time.  And the other great thing is that it’s during those years that you start thinking through your hopes and dreams and realizing the ones you really want to move forward with, and you begin formulating how you will make them come to fruition.  If I hadn’t continued thinking of my dream to own a business I never would have given it a try when the opportunity came up.  And even though it ended in a way I hadn’t planned, I worked really hard to make it happen and I am extremely proud of myself for everything I did to get there!

No matter what your age – I hope you will think of my favorite quote “Never, never, never quit!” from Winston Churchill.  Realize there are times when  you should consider yourself invincible, times when it’s okay to let go, and times when it’s okay to “fail” because really the only true failure is never trying at all!

Finding my local.
Since arriving in Oman over four months ago, I’ve been struggling to find my place in the local community.  I mentioned this in my post the week before last: Musings from Salalah.  Usually when I travel and live places for short bursts of time, the most enjoyable experiences I have are when I can connect with local people and engage in the traditional/cultural way of life of any given place.  Here in Salalah, finding the local experience has been very difficult, but somewhere between meeting up with my expat lady friends for coffee on Wednesday morning and driving home from the dive site on Thursday afternoon, I had a mini-epiphany about what my version of local can be, and is: I am an expat.

Yes, I know, shocking, isn’t it??  Why, you may ask, did it take you SO LONG to figure that teeny tiny fact out?  Well, I guess it’s this: I didn’t come here as a typical expat.  I didn’t come for the money (Lord knows I didn’t come for the money), or even to further my career in any great way.  For me, as a travelling divemaster, moving to new places is just part of the job.  I usually find my way pretty quickly, meeting and interacting with locals, making connections and friends.  Looking back, I guess I did all of that here as well, but the locals I’ve become so close with aren’t locals in the traditional sense; they too are expats, but as they’ve been here much longer, they have become the version of a local that I can connect with.

My local here, my version of the traditional/cultural way of life is to exist as an expat, in expat circles, with (mostly) expat friends.  And you know what?  That suits me just fine.  I have met some very wonderful people here in the last few months, have been lucky enough to make some great friendships, and do some very cool things as an expat.

While I’m still getting comfortable with my new label, I have to say there is a certain feeling of belonging that comes along with it, and I like that.  So maybe, after four and a half months here, I’m finally fitting in.

Within those Google search results are all sorts of top 10 lists and how to find your happy place etc...  Well, I prefer to go back to something I learned about during my MBA.  It is the Hedgehog concept.   I go back to this to remind me why I am doing what I am doing and remember that I chose my current path and also to figure out what tweaks I can make in order to make things flow a bit better!  So my advice to those of you who are searching for your path; can you answer the following questions......

On that note - I am off to Iceland for a week.  Ciao!

This morning I got up at 5am PST to host our first webex as a group!  We had contributors calling in from the Middle East, UK and North America!  It was great to connect with everyone and I hope that you guys will continue to support each other throughout this process  :)

One of the ideas that came out of the call from Hollie was to create a mind map as opposed to a list or timeline.   Mind mapping is super helpful and helps you think your way through something that isn't always linear! 

For those of you struggling with this concept, Cherie Lee sent in a link to a video that may be of use!  You can find it here -> Mind Map Video

Happy Writing!

Signing up to the 20 Project has got me thinking lately about my story so far, and then yesterday I read this fascinating article about parenting behaviours that prevent children from growing into leaders.

Whilst I don’t have children myself, I have six gorgeous nephews who I am watching grow up into young boys, and soon teenagers.  It’s so interesting to see how different they all are (even the identical twins!), and even as an aunt, I want the best for these guys.  I want them to love their lives, and to achieve their full potentials as they grow into young men.

So, it was with great interest that I read what leadership expert, Dr Tim Elmore, had to say about parental behaviours that could hold children back, and to compare those with my own childhood.

1.       Children need to experience risk in order to develop healthy risk-taking behaviour.  We need to fall and graze our knee, or get our heart broken.  Growing up in Zimbabwe there was certainly less emphasis on safety, and grazed knees were a fairly common occurrence.  In fact, when my father started his picture framing business in our garage, and my sister and I decided to have a play date with his mitre guillotine, the result was somewhat more extreme than a grazed knee (thankfully that story had a happy ending)!  And heart breaks – well, I had my fair share of them!

2.      Children need to learn how to navigate hardships and solve problems on their own.  We need to get used to doing things without help.  As a teenager I decided that I’d had enough with education, and didn’t want to go to university even though I had a capability to go.  In my early twenties I decided that maybe I’d been wrong, and so I became a student again, and made sure that I paid my own way.  It was tough at times, but I did it and I felt such a sense of achievement at the end.  The lesson that “I can do it” has gone on to serve me well!

3.      Children need to learn that poor behaviour will not be tolerated.  Instead of just focusing on the “everyone is a winner” mentality, we need to know the reality that bad behaviour will get us punished.  I certainly remember plenty of occasions when I had my backside spanked, and in no way do I feel that this did me any harm, but instilled in me a respect for authority.

4.      Children need to understand that success is dependent upon their own actions.  We need to learn to fight for what we really value and need in order to become good leaders.  For me I think I learned this lesson later in life when I took the terrifying step to leave my comfortable career doing something I didn’t love in order to start my own business doing something that makes me want to get out of bed each morning.

So, when you look back on your childhood, do you hold a grudge for all the things that didn’t go quite right, or do you consider them to be learning experiences that have molded you into the person you are today?  And, if your parents didn’t teach you be a leader of your own life, it’s never too late to start learning!